Change.

I actually wrote the following Very Long blog post on 30th March 2009, 3:17am (so says the blogger saved time of the post). I never published it. I forgot why exactly.

Logging in to blog again, I suddenly realised it was there. Nearly 7 months later, here it is, totally unedited and in its true raw form as of 30th March 2009. I realised it applies to my circumstances once again, and its bound to happen again and again.

Might as well share..

--

I believe for something more. That I am being prepared for something greater.

Otherwise, I wouldn't have to go through such 'testing'.

I just thought of this today, the reason why some people backslide, is that they are so used to being where they are, comfortable with being the same and staying there, unwilling to change their comfort zone outside of what they can control.

The minute something big or challenging comes, they don't want to face it. They will rather run, or avoid it. Or they say "I'm not ready to deal with this at the moment!"

The truth is, no matter where you are, you can't avoid it. And you will never have a 'ready' time.

What do I mean? You can change your cell group, zone, church, country, even whole RELIGION, but it is never about WHERE you are. It is really about YOU. The same thing will arise again, not because of other people or the circumstances, but because it is something that lies within your ownself.

You have to realise it will NEVER be gone until you face up to the issue at hand. Maybe its pressure from leaders to rise up? Maybe its to give up some of your free time to do more in ministry? Maybe its to give more of your finances to building fund/offering/something that God has called you to? Maybe its to rebalance your ministry and family time?

Let me say it again; you can change your environment, but you can't change the issue. Get it?

--

Remembering how my walk with God just a while back (just a few months ago) was akin to me standing on the edge of a cliff. Behind me was my old life, everything I knew and was comfortable with. In front of me was the valley, so deep that I couldn't see the bottom, and definitely knew it was dangerous. That was my future, with all my dreams and visions.

This was the choice I was presented with: whichever path I chose, there is No Turning Back from that choice. If I go back to what I was comfortable with, I will never see that future come to pass ever again. If I go forward to achieve my dreams and visions, it is literally Succeed or Get Destroyed Trying.

The dreams and visions God has prepared for me are beyond what I can imagine, and I know that I cannot remain the same. This life I have, if I am not living to fulfil His purpose, then what is the point?

I jumped right forward with faith that God would provide, and have already experienced so much, sometimes it makes me want to crawl into a corner and just not move. The parts that determine to wear me down until I am destroyed and don't achieve my dreams are aplenty. There is no time to breathe before thing after thing is shoved at me. I know that all of these play a part in my long-term success, but the pain is real, especially with the unexpected (or even expected) side effects and by-products. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the totally random, everything is suddenly a whirlwind to me more so now than it has ever been before this 'chapter'.

I'm not ready to give up yet, because I know the moment I give up, its really Game Over.

There is no 'save' button for this. No 'pause' button, and no 'escape' button.

But! There is the 'F1' button!

What comes forth out of adversity

Something quoted from my bro's many FB quotes:

"Yanase became inspired by the idea of Anpanman while struggling to survive as a soldier in World War II. He many times became faced with the prospect of starvation which made him dream about eating a bean-jam filled pastry called Anpan."

Anpanman is a super popular classic cartoon or anime in Japan, made 'back in those days' post World War II. Imagine, out of the worst adversity, is when the type of genious and breakthroughs you can't get from any other place come forth.

I guess, it is really only when you are put in certain situations, is when you will really think about some things, and bring you to another level. Which you couldn't have done if you'd been in the same comfortable place all the time.

I mean, if there wasn't a need for light, Thomas Edison wouldn't have felt like creating the lightbulb now, isn't it? (other than his sheer love for invention..) If there wasn't sun/rain, who would have invented the umbrella?

Alot of the time, there is a circumstance of need or lack, before something great can come forth to fulfil that void.

--

I did my assignment until I saw the sunrise.

Visit from God..

My heart is burdened, for my friends..

The truth, its right there infront of them, they see it and know it, but refuse to acknowledge it..

When will you start being TRUTHFUL to GOD?

That little bit that you don't give to God, He knows.

Today/tonight, powerful presence of God. Holy Spirit kept moving in me.

For Decentralised Zone service, I began to envision a whole terrace full of people. Double the number of the current one today. And God said, "U want 1000? I give u 1000."

Tonight...divine.

Was sitting in front of laptop, began to pray for one of my friends..As I prayed for him, suddenly felt like praying for another girl who I was talking to on msn (suee)..

Presence of God came, HS in me, I suddenly laid hands on screen and start to pray for her, anointing over her life, joy of the Lord in her life, peace. Felt the cloud leave me suddenly, and know that it went over to her. Checked with Suee, yes indeed, presence is over there.

Tested it on Weiye without him knowing, yup again. Laid hands on my screen transmitting HS to people..lol..

Prayed (for many things) until sweaty handprint on my screen for people, began to have a lot of words of knowledge and words of wisdom..prophecies..

But HS started to weep because people were not believing and the work could not be done fully.

Burdened..

Prayed till breathless and giddy, prayed n prayed n prayed....

It's like too much to say in a blog post, how do you explain such a powerful encounter and experience tonight? In mere words, can't...

My english has flown out the window for this post, cos words can't effectively accurately describe what I really felt man...

Cut, cut, & throw away

Cut, cut, & throw away..

I'm going to 'dettol' myself with the blood of Christ, and be vaccinated and disinfected, totally immune from unneccessary diseases. Clean and stay clean!

Keeping 'clean' needs you to bathe everyday, to get rid of germs before they become harmful and make you sick..

*cleanses and disinfects*

Yah, that's the daily thing I must do, examine heart and spirit and make sure it's CLEAN.

--

Let's choose to be happy.

--

Believing that there's MORE for me out there, I'm going to figure out what's the next steps that I need to take, the calling to be clearer, and the discipline in me to be well, more disciplined.

:D <--I wanna stay in this way foreverr, only way is by GOD yeah.

Global Day of Prayer coming up~

standing on the future frontier, ready to run

I shall not reveal what were the other 'shocks' I had over the rest of this weekend....maybe at a later, more appropriate date? This week ah..really....

Anyway, the weekend drama went well. :) Happy!

Yah, I know that I have to make some difficult choices sooner or later. But I have always been faced with many "crossroads" situations before, and thus far, I have been able to figure my way out.

I always remember something that God spoke to me last time.."When the time comes for you to know what to do, you will know what to do." Which means, when it's time for me to figure out what are the decisions I have to make, I will not know what to do UNTIL that time comes. I don't have to be afraid of not knowing what to do Now for something in the Future.

God's timing is divine and His plan is perfect for each of us.

--

Yeah, I'm really "standing on the future frontier, ready to run".

Actually, it's not that difficult. Once you have your eye on GOD, and you have your head clear on your priorities. For some reason, everything will supernaturally fall into place just nicely.

Cool eh..the way God works..

:)

--

I'm really inspired by Eileen Tan.

I saw her BV-ing for the main service stage this week, and I noticed something different about her. The glory of God was really shining on her...

Shine, Eileen. Your moment is coming. Just let the power flow when you go to KL. Something really amazing is going to happen.

And felt that God says, I've blessed you with so many talents, so that you will let go FULL FORCE when I send you forth, don't hold back or hesitate any more. I will not wait for you to decide when to use your talents, but instead, you decide whether you want to use your talents.

And there's so much more I have planned for you, and indeed you are so mightily blessed, if only you will open your eyes to see, what I have in front of you. The best of the best, because you're my beloved child. And despite what others say about you, despite what you may feel about your life, I am using you to be a vessel for my kingdom.

I love you and you are my reason for being, just as I hope I am the reason you are.


I don't really know Eileen very well, I'm just speaking from my heart right now.

Father in Heaven, bless the whole KL team that's going to go with Pst next weekend, from the singers to the drama team.

Feel like there's Something about to Happen...lets just pray it up..guess it's a pre-Easter 'thing'..


Does Eileen even still read my blog??? o.O; <--random thought

Expectations

Everyone has different expectations of what they think/hope I will/should fulfil for them.

I don't know what every person's exact list of expectations are. I know that sometimes because I'm not psychic, I probably fail to meet people's expectations.

What I know right THIS moment is:

My boss expects me to finish certain work by certain deadlines.

My dad expects me to go to sleep by 2am every day.

My flesh is failing me physically a lot due to chionging work till the sun rises for the past few days. (which may mean my flesh expects me to be kinder to it.)

And...

God loves me.

I love God.

What He has put into my hands, I'm happy to mould and do something GOOD for the glory of Him!

Also..

People have strange expectations of me sometimes. Which I don't Have to meet.

People have strange Assumptions of me. Which may not be true.

People are people, and are going to continue judging, assuming, misinterpreting, making conclusions from misinformation, and saying opinions about me.

Likewise..

I've long given up on thinking so much about what other people think.

I've long given up on trying to figure out what happens next (cos God takes care of my future).

I've long given up my own human will.

And I always remember that when you place God above all, seek first His kingdom, all truly will be added unto you..

I am happy where my ministry is going. I haven't stopped seeking to be better all the time, to do more, and even when I don't really know what is the "more" I want to do, God provides that unexpected opportunities for me at the timely moment.

Indeed..even if noone else sees it, my eye is focused on GOD alone, and that is why I do all that I do (school, career, ministry, etc).

I still want More!

And God really works in mysterious ways. So I shall just continue to allow the mysterious workings of the most Almighty to take place in my life, and wait for the "oooh, so That's why God allowed that to happen to me last time~!" moments. :)

Calling - the little add up to prepare you for the bigger

Chasing a dream is always tough.

The difference when you have a Calling, is that you have God's backing.

So sometimes, I also do struggle thinking, am I doing this only because I personally want to? Is this actually in line with what God wants me to do in my life?

It becomes especially hard when you have challenges. You start to think, "God, if its so tough, can this possibly be a 'sign' that I should stop? Did I misunderstand what I'm called to do?"

Some of us will have difficulty figuring out what is the calling God has for us. For those of us who do know, we can fight all the way for it, resting assured on God's promises. But for the rest of us who are still figuring it out, or have some inkling but aren't quite sure yet, there tends to be doubt. So, it really boils down to a few things.

Prayer and constant listening to the Holy Spirit. It's difficult to be guided when you're not making yourself available. When you're close to Him, sometimes you'll just catch those 'gut feelings' or gentle promptings in the spirit of doing certain things..

And when you've got the 'feeling'..its time for determination and discipline. When the going gets tough..you've got to be ready to ride out the storms..the closer you step towards achieving your calling/dream/vision, the more attacks you'll face.

And most of all, its Trust, Faith, and Obedience..you've got the 'feeling' in you, you really really think so, but what's stopping you? Most of the time, its actually just Fear. We are afraid of getting out of our comfort zone, afraid of failure. We're afraid that this 'wasn't what I'm meant to do', and that we'd try it and fail terribly.

Personally, my train of thought is that its better to try, and have a chance of success (and fulfilling what you're supposed to be doing), then to Not Try due to our own fears, and possibly disobeying God..

Alot of times, we can't see how what 'this' thing we're doing will ultimately lead to our destiny. I've long ago learnt that we can never see the bigger picture until we take the steps forward, then a year later, it suddenly dawns on you, all this time God has been training you for a Certain moment.

Now, my choir and drama ministries are so infused together as ONE..who would have thought? :) I wasn't always sure of what would happen, I just knew and felt I wanted to join another ministry then, felt the peace in my heart, and overcame my own fears and hesitation to go for choir audition. Then I unexpectedly can encourage the choir members when they acted Christmas drama, and unexpectedly can use my drama experience to help choir. Likewise, another long story of 'unexpecteds' before joining drama. All of my little Moments have added up and prepared me for greater Moments, and those greater moments will keep building up (like the layer of sand around a pearl) to prepare me for receiving the call to the BIGGER moment..

And for my ultimate career dream..I'm still not able to see where all this is leading to, but truthfully, I wouldn't have joined citynews if not for my prior writing exposure (if I had not been comfortable as a writer prior to it). I don't know where citynews may bring me in future, or my current writing job, but I'm doing it in obedience.

When you can't see what's the ultimate plan, you just take the small steps, do the small little mini plans that are given to you. When you're faithful in the little, then God can trust you with the bigger..

Firstfruits.

Was counting all my hongbao (red packets) in the afternoon, so that I could set aside my tithe for service..it was a little sad, because the total hongbao amount was quite low this year, barely crossed $100..

I had one last hongbao left to open....and I was super shocked to count a total of $50 inside! I've never gotten such a big hongbao for CNY before..was counting it again, and wondering if someone accidentally gave me the wrong hongbao or something..

After recovering from the shock, I was happily clutching the hongbao in my hand, then I heard God speak:

"Remember your firstfruits."

Firstfruits: Giving the BEST part of your harvest to God..

--

Been having dreams past two nights..

Thursday night, dreamnt of a certain few family members...

Last night, dreamnt of a certain few friends....

Just hoping I don't dream of my cell group members or something tonight. I got enough things to wonder about..

You're always there.

At 2am+, I didn't have any peace in my heart..

Decided, very suddenly, to do something I've never done before...

I went up to my rooftop, laid down on my back (on the 'platform' thing, if you've ever been to my house), and looked up at the moon and stars..

The air was super cold..breezy..

As I looked up at the sky, I marvelled at God's creation.

I decided to start listening to a worship song, 'dalam kasihmu bapa', from my hp.

When it started playing, all of a sudden, I thought of my Kota Kinabalu mission trip, and the wind started suddenly blowing like incredibly super strong, felt like I was going to be blown off the roof..I was crying as I was reminded of KK, and these words kept repeating in my mind.."You're always there...You're always there..You're always there.."

"I'm always there."

God, You are too incredible for me to comprehend. I love You. Your ways are higher than my ways. I'm just in awe.

Unto God be the glory of all that I do.

--

..on a side note, may be the first and last time I do something like that. I accidentally kicked my foot on something when I was coming down from the 'platform'. Painnnn.

Finally.

Even if you don't like Britney Spears, just watch her LIVE performance of "Womanizer" at Star Academy 2008 for at least one minute. Click 'watch in high quality' and turn up your sound! I am SUPER impressed by her entrance. Love the set design! And I love her dress too. I've always wanted a flare skirt like that, but can't find in sg...

EDIT: Changed the link, wrong link sorry!!

--

Anyway, main topic for this post: Finally, I'm on the way to financial freedom!!!!!! FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY I managed to convince my parents to let me make a new account today. After 2 years of being NETS-less and no access to bank! Although, for the next couple of months, I still need to go through the 'old system' through my parents as I need to settle things with my old account, such as my next few pay, since its already credited in company's system to go there..and all my savings is still counted as 'stagnant' since they're going to stay in my old account..

BUT it's a first step! Fresh start! I can actually live like a normal person now (or soon anyway, as soon as I settle the payment problems)! No more cash-only basis. I fought the financial fight for 2 years, this walk that I am on. Persecutions comes with financial cut-off, etc. All that borrowing money just to eat sometimes, skipping meals, especially during SOT period, cos every cent of my pay goes to school fees, and even then had to borrow first still. Then the day RIGHT after I repaid all my debts, my stuff and wallet was stolen and I was flat broke. Had to borrow again, back in debt.

Thank You God, for preserving me throughout all these years. Everytime I cried out, but You provided for me. Even when I enrolled in SOT by faith, with no idea how to pay school fees, even had to borrow the $50 first to pay for admin fee. Your miracles kept shining through and through. Even from the very beginning, before all this 'tai zi' (trouble), that period of time when my allowance was already being cut, and I had to walk to MJ's house for cg every week so I could save money from bus fare..

God, You are seriously good to me. I want to cry when I think of how good You've always been.

You never let me down.

Finally, the fight is coming to an end.

This Christmas Eve, I turn 3 years old in Christ. 3 years ago, in 2005, I was touched by the drama on Christmas Eve. This year, I have this honourable privilege to stand on the other side of the stage now, and help out in a drama that will touch thousands like me before.

I also want to thank every person who has been supporting me throughout this time, whether as a shoulder or financially blessing me, you guys are awesome. My cg, leaders, ministries, friends, everyone..

I am Loved, and I am Recession-proof!!!

Loving God, loving others

Last night (or early this very morning) before I went to sleep, I was asking God, Why do our spiritual lives seem to be so low, even though its not cos we love You less? I was given a very interesting revelation.

Imagine the capacity in your heart is like a piechart, with 100%. Rightfully, our love for God should be 100%. But oftentimes, its 90% God and 10% something else, or 50-50, or even 10-90. Now, I'm not saying it's Wrong to love another person or other things, but when those things begin to take up the space that belongs to God, then its time to re-check your priorities.

How then, can we love God and love others, without compromising on one or the other?

Simple, let the love for God be SO OVERFLOWING, that it is more than 100%, and this overflow is what we should use to love others. We don't love another by cutting back on the love for God, but rather, we use the love for God and FROM that love we are then capable of TRULY loving someone with the Christ-like love.

When you see it from this point of view, it becomes so much easier, because the love for others stems from the love for God, just like how it should be.

Hope that made sense. :)

Maturity

I can't believe one year has flown by just like that..I'm looking at some random Christmas ornament that my supervisor at GEHA gave me when I was interning last year.

My 2008 has truly been good. God didn't forsake me throughout this whole year. I held on to the promise, that 2008 was "my" year..

I'm overwhelmed by how much I've achieved and been superbly blessed throughout..despite the obstacles, despite many times when I wanted to give up, even up to now I still will struggle with so much responsibilities to fulfil..

One of my members has this in his msn nick: "Maturity does not come from time. Maturity comes from responsibility."

So true..

--

Christmas schedule for crew is out! aka I'm activated for Christmas drama. Let's do this! :)

I've got exams coming up..Basic theory test also..wahh..

Be nice to me this Christmas? :D You can contribute to my Pokka Peach Tea supply, or Pink Dolphin, for December. They're my red bull for surviving backstage.

Or, you can forcefeed me. I'm prepared to lose ALOT of weight again..x_X

Or, you can say hi to me backstage! No wait, I'm not sure you want to see my super unglam face..

Make every minute count

What a week!

Went for choir pract on Tuesday, which was coincidentally Justin's bday. He was sharing why he felt bdays were important. To him, every year that he gets to be alive is really a blessing..

As he was talking about that, I was reminded of myself..By rights, I shouldn't be alive either. My parents were already considerably old, and never expected twins, nor did they want any more kids to add to their already 'perfect golden' family (parents plus one daughter one son). Many many years ago, I didn't know why, but I just asked my mother why she didn't decide to abort us after all.

My family isn't christian. But she was finally convinced by a christian friend that told her "twins are a gift from God" and such.

And that, is why Rubez is still in this world today..


Even at that young age when I asked her that question, I really felt the love of God when she said that. And I wasn't a christian then. It's truly by His grace that I'm alive.

Consequently, I had many different encounters with christians, some good, most bad, which hardened my heart towards Him. But God came through to me in the end..

God, how good are You, that You gave me a chance in this world, because I know You've got a good plan for me..

So now, I want to make every minute count for YOU!

--

I was reminded the whole of last week of one thing..

I'm no picasso. But I love to draw.

I'm no celine dion. But I like to sing.

I'm not a TIMES magazine editor. But I'm good at writing.

I never expected to see myself backstage, but there I am.

I'm not Perfect, I'm not the Best at what I do, but I do my best with whatever talent I've been given, even if I'll never be number one in people's opinion.

Because, in the end, who are you going to answer to?

If you are given one talent, but you use it well, versus someone with ten talents, and he buries or abuses it, who is the more 'talented' one?

And when you prove your faithfulness with the little things, then that's when God will give you more to handle..

God made you just the way you are, to fulfil a specific purpose for Him.

Some people ask me "when's your turn to act frontstage?" This week, tong yan asked and was really shocked to know that I had actually failed the drama ministry auditions last time. Yup, I 'didn't make the cut' for acting in the DM. Not that I can't act, I have acted before outside. But I readily admit, I'm not the Best actor around. I just enjoy it and had the chance to do it.

Truthfully, I was really devastated, and I was prepared to go to another ministry..

But God has His plans, and I DID go to DM in the end -- serving in another aspect that hadn't crossed my mind before. :) So I STILL was able to use my theatre experience to good use. I just never thought about this option before.

Wherever you're placed, even if you're not 'the top', God's got a Bigger plan for whatever experience He's letting you learn..

Similarly, do you think I ever thought that one day my experience in writing for mags would allow me to have a chance to write for something like Citinews??

God is ALWAYS full of surprises..:)

--

Speaking of which..I'm reminded of all the school work and work work that I need to do! Ahh!!

Sometimes I feel a bit no confidence in taking on assignments, especially those that are mandarin-based. BUT I believe! Willingness to work hard and trusting God with all = fruits!

Creativity is RISK-TAKING! And working hard!

I love You, God.

Willingness not just obedience

Psalm 121

A Song of Ascents.

1 I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
From whence comes my help?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth.

3 He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD is your keeper;
The LORD is your shade at your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
8 The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.

--

I was kind of under the weather for a while.

Thank you all for your continual support!

I bumped into Darryl and she really spoke some sound advice to me.

Obedience is not enough, you got to be Willing, in whatever you do.

God, You're still so faithful even when I'm not.

--

Sometimes you think you're out to be a blessing to others, in the end you unexpectedly end up being blessed yourself, much much more.

Principle of sowing and reaping!

The Pelican Feather

When I was really young, I remember my family went to Australia for a holiday.

I remember there was a pelican on the grass. And the grass had shed pelican feathers in the relative proximity. The pelican just sat there, quietly, in the midst of the crowd of people surrounding it.

And then, all of a sudden, the guide stopped talking to the group, went to a feather and picked up a large, beautiful one. I hadn't said a word, but the guide walked over to me, and I was stunned, when he handed me that feather. Thinking back, my eyes probably glowed when I saw that field of feathers, glowing which no one noticed, not even myself, except for the guide.

I carried that feather all the way back home to Singapore. It took up residence on my bedside table, proudly the centrepiece of all my childish possessions (I was still a kid then, after all). It was as if it beautified my whole surroundings, and even my whole life, just by being there. I even brought it to school, I was so proud of it.

And then, one day, I had to throw it away. We were moving house, and in the new phase of my life I was going to, I knew it wouldn't really fit in. There was no place for a grey feather, once a pristine white a long time ago. Time took its toll, life asked for me to move on.

So I said goodbye to the feather, and parted ways with it ever since. I don't know what else I left behind in my old house, but it was a whole load of 'goodbye' to the old.

I was 17 by the time we moved. I can't recall how long I had that feather with me. Many years at least.

I remember it just as its pristine white self, that moment when I first received it in Australia. It's a good thing it didn't move with me. Or it would have rotted and ruined its own memory.

It's kind of like Life, isn't it. Some things you don't expect, they come into your life or possession, as if someone knew you'd wanted it all along. Then you have the best time with it for the longest time. Before you know it, sometimes, you have to say 'goodbye' to it. Not all things are meant to follow you for your whole life. They come, form a part of your most wonderful memories, then you have to move on, because their purpose in your life has been fulfilled.

The beautiful thing is, you know there's something else even better than the last thing coming, even if you don't realise. Its like how God is our tour guide, and He sees our desires, even if we don't know them ourselves. Sometimes we get something for a time, and then we have to move on. Other times, we'll get things for eternity.

What is one thing that's eternal? God's love for us, that's for sure. Anything else?

Man is always changing, as all human beings are. Material possessions fade away. Money doesn't follow you when you die.

I'm glad I have found, or was found by, that one eternal thing. So for all the temporal beauty in my life, when I have to say 'goodbye' to people or possessions, till I find something more enduring, it makes pains in life more bearable.

I've walked in that field of feathers in my thoughts now, imagining what it'd be like, every time God hands me a feather. Something that I never noticed, but always wanted. Some small feathers, some big ones.

I look forward, and am still waiting, for the time when God hands me the pelican.